Since getting pregnant in Germany, I’ve been thrown into a
whole new world that now mainly revolves around boobs, poo and sleep. Along the
way, I’ve marvelled at how Germans prepare themselves for childbirth and
beyond - although I have to admit, I've never given birth anywhere else. Here are 15 ways
you know you gave birth in Germany:
- Perineal massage
It starts in the ante-natal class when the midwives give you instructions on how to massage your lady bits. Apparently it’s supposed to reduce ripping. I can tell you that it’s a big fat waste of time if your baby is 4.3kg. - New words
Your vocabulary will expand to include terms like “mother cake” (Mutterkuchen) and “mother mouth” (Muttermund) – otherwise known as the placenta and cervix in English. - Thorough medical care
I often think that Germans have mild hypochondriac tendencies, and you wonder if this accounts for the very thorough - and perhaps a bit overzealous - medical care before birth. I'm not complaining, but most of my UK friends seemed to manage fine on a handful of visits to the midwife. In Germany, I saw the gynaecologist 17 times before birth.
In the final weeks each one-hour appointment involved checking the baby’s heartbeat, my blood pressure, weight, urine, iron levels and an ultrasound. Everything was noted down in a “mother passport” – a little booklet with my medical records, which I took everywhere with me.
Once you’re home the midwife visits you for an hour every day for the first 10 days, then up to several times a week until 2 months have passed.
Actually, what I'm really trying to say is, it's the kind of care that every country should aim for. - Ridiculously good maternity leave
With all these doctors' and midwives' appointments, you need a lot of spare time. Luckily you have that by the bucket-load in Germany, with six weeks maternity leave before the due date and eight weeks after the birth on full pay, then two thirds of your salary up to a year after the birth. This generosity may all boil down to the fact that Germany has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, so they’re doing almost everything to encourage women to get up the duff. Unfortunately, many women are forced to take long periods off work because childcare is about as scarce as the Yangtze River dolphin, especially if you want a full day before the child is three. - Hospitals tout for your business
Apparently childbirth is quite lucrative for hospitals. Before making our selection, we went to several parent evenings where the doctors enticed us with the promise of free taxis and fancy rooms. - Induction cocktail
If you’re overdue, you might try the labour cocktail: a mix of castor oil, champagne and apricot juice. It kind of worked. I got some contractions, but it wasn’t enough to avoid getting induced in hospital. - Pain is what you want
Don’t expect laughing gas to blow your mind during labour. When my husband told Svetlana, our Russian midwife in the delivery room, that he thought I was in lots of pain, her blunt response was: “That is what we want.” - Full staff
In hospital, it’s not uncommon to find 12 people at a time in the room fussing over you.
The checks on the baby are also very thorough. Our eyes almost popped out when the paediatrician said “Yup, she has an anus” on examining our daughter for the first time. Apparently not all children do!
This and all future checks were noted in another little booklet, with the child’s compulsory appointments listed for the next five years. Apparently social services come knocking at your door if you miss one. - Getting intimate with your baby
Intimacy with your baby begins with a visit to a “carrying advisor” to select a device to carry your baby close to your body.
Forget a Moses basket, in Germany your baby will sleep snuggled in a sleeping bag in a three-sided cot next to you so that you don’t even have to get out of bed to feed them – just roll them across the fourth open side.
Wearing my baby.
Efficient and wholesome.
If you’re feeling really hippy, you might try one of the naked play dates – better known as Pekip. - Breast milk is good for anything
Boobs are not a taboo – it’s acceptable to whop them out for a feed almost anywhere, and breast milk isn’t just for feeding the little one. We first got a whiff of this in hospital when the midwife wouldn’t throw out the 5ml of expressed milk that our daughter had left in the bottle. “It’s too precious” she exclaimed, and suggested I use it for face cream instead.
Since then, I’ve squirted it into her bath, and used it to treat her nappy rash, unblock her nose and disinfect her umbilical cord.
Still haven’t tried it on my face. - Potty training from birth
I was sceptical at first, but if you hold your baby over a pot and let her do her business, she does actually stop doing it in her nappy, which – as far as I’m concerned – is a lot more hygienic. Strictly speaking, it’s not a German thing though, as I think it’s been adopted from Asia.
The thermos flask means we always have warm water to clean her bum - Virgin wool and heat lamps
The nappy changing routine involves a changing table kitted out with a heat lamp. If your baby has a sore bum, you will probably blow dry it and apply some unwashed virgin wool – it allows the air to circulate and the natural oils moisturise the sore spot. It does actually work.
You’ll probably try reusable nappies at some point too.
Tear a bit of wool off and slip it in the nappy to treat a sore bum. - Baby heat pads
If your baby has colic or too much gas, you might try rape seed heat pads – put them in the microwave for 30 seconds and place them on your baby’s belly. Another favourite cure is a baby massage. - Quark and cabbage on your boobs
Ok, so they do white cabbage to soothe engorged boobs in England too, but I’m pretty sure they don’t use quark, which is the messier alternative. - Paperwork and perks
One word of warning: if your baby is born during carnival in the Rhineland it may be weeks before the local bureaucracy has stopped dressing up like clowns and you’re able to register the birth.
There’s a lot of form-filling after the new arrival, but there’s one thing that comes automatically without any extra paperwork: the baby’s tax number for life.
After all that admin, you’ll be rewarded with EUR 184 per month in child benefit until she’s at least 18 – maybe longer if she goes to university. Plus you’ll get a German passport for a bargain EUR 13 – eight times cheaper than the UK one.
